


Love is Blind

by DarkAislinn



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Divorce, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Love, Unrequited Love, new relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-01
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2017-12-22 02:13:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 18,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/907666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkAislinn/pseuds/DarkAislinn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>All the signs were there, now that she thought about it. The secret whispering when she was in another room, the quick end to a call or the suspicious behavior when she was home for an extended amount of time.</i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>  <i>She only blamed herself.</i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>Love was blind and she was the jester of the court.</i></p><p> </p><p>Shepard learns that her husband, Kaidan, has been having an affair and must work through the difficult times. However, when her old crew members show up at her doorstep to help her move forward and heal, she'll find that the one who was always meant to be hers had been standing there in front of her for years. </p><p>Lots of feels - and I mean A LOT of feels - angst, fluffiness and sweet moments will ensue. Please enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Being Blind Hurts the Most

After so many years, so many trials and too many tribulation, she was confused, hurt and she felt betrayed.

She was a good wife; a _caring_ wife. She had done everything, and more, much more than she had any right to, that he had ever asked for. She’d loved him; very much, so very much that she'd rather die, relive the war, than see him hurt at all.

She’d just come back from a mission and the words had fallen from his lips like ash, soulless and empty, on a dying city. She’d braced herself against the side of the couch, the breath leaving her lungs, her body going numb, tears pricking the back of her eyes as she tried to catch her breath and calm her rapidly beating heart. Always so assured until now, her words tumbled from her lips clumsily, “Are you-are you serious?” She hoped it was a bad dream; a nightmare that she could wake herself from.

The look on his face, as he sat on the sofa with nonchalance, was heartbreaking. “Yes. I want a divorce.” He paused, his eyes sliding to her face, narrowing and sparking with anger. Anger that she didn’t understand; anger that burned her and scorched the very fiber of her being. The eyes that she’d once fallen in love with pierced her like a sword, slicing through every nerve ending. “Is the great Commander Shepard at a loss for words? What do you expect? You’re gone all the time,” he started, ticking off all the things that weren’t under control on his fingers one by one. “We hardly have sex, you’re too busy with the Alliance and the Council, we never see each other and you’d rather spend time on the Normandy than with me. Does this surprise you? It shouldn’t.”

She shook her head, her chocolate hair slapping against the sides of her face, as she blinked back the tears and tightened her grip on the couch. “Kaidan,” she murmured, but he laughed, a deep, angry sound like a bark.

“Don’t “Kaidan” me. I told you I didn’t want you to take the job.”

Her mind was reeling. Her mind was flitting through the past, to find some sort of hint that something had been wrong but she couldn’t find anything. She pressed her free hand against the side of her face, to her brow and then to her mouth to hide the shuddering breath. Her hand curled into a fist against her lips as she tried to reign in her control. “Is there someone else?”

He scoffed. “Or course there is. Didn’t you hear me? You’re gone all the time. A man has needs.”

The thought of him entwined with another, holding, caressing, kissing and sharing his body turned her stomach. She excused herself, running towards the bathroom, and emptied her stomach. She clutched the porcelain bowl, pressing her feverish skin against it and shed silent sobs for the man she loved, the man who once was and the man he never would be again.

It was over and it was her own damn fault. She pushed him away, made him feel unloved and unwanted. She sank away from the toilet, curling into herself and sobbed. How could she have been so blind? She should have seen it coming.

All the signs were there, now that she thought about it. The secret whispering when she was in another room, the quick end to a call or the suspicious behavior when she was home for an extended amount of time.

She only blamed herself.

Love was blind and she was the jester of the court. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to all of the Kaidan/FemShep fans out there, but I had to take my frustrations, hurts, pains and whatever else out and Kaidan was the best choice since he irritates me to no end.


	2. Just a Chance

She dreaded going home. She didn’t want to set foot near their house. The idea of going home sent a rush of pain through her and her heart raced, her fingers shook and she felt she might explode from the sudden amount of adrenaline that was coursing through her at just the thought of having to look at him or hear his voice.

Her hands shook as she got out of her skycar and her legs felt like pure gelatin. Before she reached the door, she took in a deep collective breath. It didn’t really help, but she’d hoped it would. As she fumbled for key in her uniform she heard his voice drifting from beneath the door soft and almost indistinguishable, but she’d know that tone anywhere.

She pressed her face against the door, giving thanks to Miranda for the Cerberus upgrades, and listened carefully.

“No, she’s not home,” he said quietly, his voice soft and tender. She looked upwards toward the ceiling and blinked back the burning of the tears. At one point, so very long ago, that tone had been used for her. She pressed her hand against her mouth to quiet the labored breathing. “Yeah. She knows.”

There was silence and she could only imagine what the woman on the other side of the line was saying. _How did she take it? Did you tell her everything? How much does she know?_

“Of course not. She hasn’t asked and I doubt she will.” She swiped at her face quickly, trying to erase the track marks of her tears. She didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he’d hurt her.

Her omni-tool vibrated and silently she cursed. She hurried from the door and back down the path towards her skycar. Once she was safely away from the door she accepted the incoming call and pressing her fingers against her implant.

“Shepard,” Garrus’ voice washed over her like an early spring. “I got your message.” She opened the door to her vehicle, slid into the driver’s seat and shut the door before letting herself cry. He didn’t say anything and for that she was grateful. Instead he just let her cry, listening to her anguish until her sobs quieted. “If you want, I am more than willing to beat his ass.”

She laughed a teary throaty laugh and shook her head knowing full well he couldn’t see her. “No,” she smiled, a genuine smile that surprised her. “I don’t want him hurt, but thank you anyway.”

“Mind if I do it just to satisfy the urge? He’s always been a bastard and I’ve wanted to beat him to a pulp since Horizon. What do humans say? Ah, right. This is the last straw.” His voice reverberated through her head and it was oddly comforting. His anger bled through every word and it contained a hint of a growl on the last word.

She sighed and flexed her grip on the wheel, watching as the muscles in her forearm undulated with ease. “As much as I would like to hurt him, I can’t.” They were both quiet for a moment and she had to check her omni to make sure that they hadn’t been disconnected. “Garrus?”

“Hm? I’m here, Shepard,” he answered quickly, his voice deep and rumbling. “I’m always here for you. Always have been.” She smiled.

“I know.” He laughed and she pictured the way his mandibles flared out and the sparkle in his cobalt eyes, instantly missing him and making a mental note to make a trip to Palaven.

“No, I don’t think you do,” he said before pausing shortly and speaking again before she might understand his meaning. “Well, as a side note I guess I should inform you that the Shadow Broker already knows, since they contacted me to confirm, and probably all of our other friends.”

She dropped her head against the seat, pinching the bridge of her nose and groaned. “The Broker didn’t.”

“The Broker did.”

Damn Liara, she cursed. She wanted to tell the others when she was ready; it wasn’t set in stone and she still had a chance to fix things with Kaidan, despite his protests on the matter. Maybe she was fooling herself, but she wouldn’t go down without a fight. She refused to believe that what they had shared was over, that it was the end. So many years they had shared together and she couldn’t believe that he was willing to throw them all away.

“I’ll speak to them as soon as I am able, but I probably should get in the house.” Her fingers toyed with the handle, debating on whether or not she really wanted to face him.

“If you need me, I’m always a call away. If you need me to forcibly remove him from the house then I will. I’m anything you need me to be, Shepard. I’m not that far,” Garrus rumbled into her ear, pulling her from her conflicting feelings.

“I know, Garrus. Thank you,” she breathed, once again trying to calm her nerves. “I really do need to get in there though. We have to talk.” She was met by silence and she raised her brows as if communicating telepathically would help.

“Okay, but if things get bad just call me. I can be there in just a few hours.” Her heart warmed at the thought of seeing him again and she nodded.

“Will do.”

She ended the call, took a deep breath and opened the door to her skycar. If there was a chance, just a glimmer of hope that she could talk to him, then she was willing to try dammit. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I had no idea that my last chapter (which was only to be a one-shot) would have such an impact. I didn't think there would be such an uproar/arguments over it since it was based, in large part, on myself. But, it's nice to see the opinions and the feedback. 
> 
> I thank everyone who read the last chapter and enjoyed it. I hope you continue to enjoy this but I have to warn you. There will be times where it's not good feelings and more pain than others.
> 
> But as a side note: Yes, I have a male friend who is there for me, but no he is not a romantic interest. Garrus is the friend, but will be Shepard's happy ending, not mine.


	3. Anger Stage

Tali opened the door and smiled at her; her soft light purple skin splitting into a sadden look as she immediately reached out, sliding her arms around Shepard and pulled her tight against her. Her three-fingered hand rested on the back of her head as she tucked Shepard’s face in the crook of her neck.

“I heard and I’m so sorry,” she murmured against her ear and rubbing her back in a soothing motion that Sam had taught her. Shepard gave a small laugh and pulled away, but kept their arms linked. She shook her head and looked down at the floor.

“It’s not your fault. You’re not the one sleeping with him.” Tali tilted her head, her one brow coming up as she nodded.

“True, but I’m still sorry nonetheless. I’m sorry that you, of all people, have to go through this,” she turned and tugged Shepard into the apartment, closing the door behind them with a soft click. She followed the quarian woman to the small living room and flopped unceremoniously onto the couch, sighing and rubbing a tired hand over her face.

“Yeah, well it happens.” Tali wrinkled her brow at her and shook her head, sitting down across from her.

“That’s no excuse for what he’s done, Shepard and you know it,” she paused and really looked over her friend, her Commander. She hadn’t seen her this exhausted, with tension carved into her shoulders like ancient tablets, and the sheer look of desperation in her eyes since the War. “I’m not going to even bother asking how you’re doing since I can see it clear as day. Have you talked to him at all?”

“I tried but it resulted in a lot of screaming, crying and slamming of doors. He doesn’t want to talk about anything. Every time I try he just keeps asking me why it matters. It matters because I deserve an explanation, that’s why!” Angrily she slammed her fist down on the couch, her hand glowing with the blue hue of her biotics and instantly she felt sorry for Tali’s sofa. She pushed herself up into a standing position and started pacing, not unlike how she used to pace when giving debriefs before and after a mission.

“I’ve spent years with him. I took the barrage of hateful words he spewed at me on Horizon, understood why he was angry and ignored it. I understood why he wanted to see that doctor and I didn’t judge him for it. I listened to his apology after Mars, even felt guilty that I had entertained the notion of trying to start something with Garrus and I took him back when he confessed that his feelings had never changed. I married him, swore to be there until death do us part, to obey him, to love him, to cherish him and be everything he wanted and more.

“I passed up a thousand different jobs because he asked me too, but I wouldn’t give up commanding the Normandy even if all of you left. She’s my baby and I wouldn’t let someone else take her from me; he never understood that and maybe, looking back, that’s the root of the problem, I don’t know. But what I do know if that I chose to synthesize all organic and synthetic life for him while willing to sacrifice myself for him, his face, his eyes and even his tousled hair was always at the forefront of my mind. Everything I’ve ever done was for him!”

Her face felt hot and her body was tingling with the familiar warmth of her biotics, now stronger than ever with synthesis infusing her cybernetics to her core and fully integrating them with her body. It had been six weeks since he had told her that he wanted a divorce and now thinking about him made her angry.

Angry that he wouldn’t talk. Angry that he refused to tell her who his woman was. Angry that he was throwing everything they ever had away without even consulting her. Angry that he was a bastard, that he was selfish.

She inhaled through her nose and blew the breath out through her mouth to ease her fury, her eyes snapping closed as her hands relaxed from tight fists to splaying her fingers and flexing them to get the blood pumping again.

Once her anger subsided she was once again overcome by the unadulterated hurt and pain, feeling as if she had been flayed alive and cut open for all the universe to see. She pinched the bridge of her nose to stop the tears and shook her head, clearing her throat and sighed.

“Kathy,” came Tali’s voice; so soft, so different now that wasn’t forced to wear a mask, and comforting drifted to her. “You need to make him move out before things get worse.”

Shepard turned and sunk back down on the couch, resting her elbows on her knees and let her head fall into her hands. “I just,” she sucked in a deep breath, trying to reign in her emotions but to no avail. Her body betrayed her and she wept, her shoulders jerking with every movement. “I can’t stand the thought of not seeing him or hearing his voice.”

Instantly Tali was at her side, pulling her against her and wrapping her arms around her. She let Katherine cry on her shoulder as she too cried for her friend and the pain she felt. “I know,” she whispered, swallowing the hard stubborn lump in the back of her throat. “I know.”

She looked up, her glowing eyes iridescent with her own tears glimmering in the soft light, as Samantha’s footsteps on the stairs gave away her descent. Sam’s brows drew down over her eyes as anger sparked in them as she jerked her head towards Shepard while mouthing “Kaidan?”.

Tali nodded her head gently, trying not to jostle her emotionally shattered friend. Sam’s hands clenched into tight fists, her jaw clenching and against Tali’s warning gaze she cursed loudly, “Damn him. Bastard!”

Katherine jerked away from Tali quickly, wiping at her face and tried to give Sam a smile. Behind Shepard’s back Tali threw her hands into the air, her eyes widening in disbelief and mouthed, “Seriously?!” Sam shot her an apologetic look as she bounced on the last step, shrugging and made her way towards her old Commander.

“Traynor, I didn’t know you were home,” Shepard said and pushed away from the couch reaching out to embrace her former Yeomen/Specialist in a quick hug.

Tali rolled her eyes and refrained from letting the annoyed sigh escape her parted lips. Even after the all the years that she had known Shepard, it was still bothersome that she tried so hard to keep her emotions at bay, in check and hide them from others. She had nothing to be embarrassed about, but she _knew_ that the one thing Katherine hated more than losing a battle was showing weakness.  

As Sam and Shepard talked, Tali kept thinking about what she had said, the wistful smile that had graced her face for just a brief millisecond and at the softened tone she used with his name.

_“…even felt guilty that I had entertained the notion of trying to start something with Garrus…”_

She had no idea and Tali smiled, feeling a sudden, blooming hope for her friend. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I can say is thank you for all the feedback and I'm so ecstatic that each and everyone of you truly does enjoy this.


	4. A Mystery No Longer

She flopped onto the couch, turning on the television and peeled the lid off the container of ice cream. Mint chocolate was best for times like these or so she kept telling herself. She exercised regularly so if she wanted to eat three gallons in two days then she could, dammit.

She flipped through the channels with the spoon hanging out of her mouth. Nothing good was on except for the news and romantic vids. She definitely didn’t want to watch a vid about how a man and a woman meet, fall in love and live happily ever after. It was all bullcrap anyway, she thought bitterly. 

Angrily she turned off the monitor and set her ice cream on the coffee table. Due to orders she was to take some leave so she had locked herself up in the house. It was strange to be alone. She was never alone and she hadn’t been alone since she joined the Alliance when she was eighteen.

Kaidan had taken off to Vancouver to let his family know that they were separating and now she was left with the thoughts that refused to leave her be. She pushed away from the sofa and made her way towards the office, padding softly across the carpeted floor, and turned on her console. Maybe, if she was lucky, she could see if there was any trace as to who the mysterious woman was.

As she sat down in front of the console she was instantly flooded with guilt. It wasn’t right to invade his privacy, she thought. As soon as she was about to turn it off there was the telltale sign of a message and it flashed over the screen.

 **Chloe.M:** Kaidan, you there? I didn’t know you’d be in Vancouver so quickly! I already miss you. Xoxo and lots of <3s!

Katherine hesitated, her fingers sweating. She really should tell this woman that she wasn’t Kaidan, but the curiosity was eating away at her and he did leave himself signed in. She checked the time and then his itinerary. No, he’d have a connection shuttle so it was plausible that he’d log into his account. It pinged again.

 **Chloe.M:** Kaidan?

She sighed, laying her fingers against the holographic keyboard. At least she knew his writing style by heart and he could get angry later.

 **Kaidan.A:** no. not in vancouver yet. connection shuttle from the citadel is taking a little longer than expected, lol

 **Chloe.M:** I’m sorry. I understand how that can be and I work here. You should have told me that you have a connection shuttle. I could have taken a quick break from Huerta! Did you not want to see me? :-(

Shepard froze, her blood going cold as her hands turned to ice. The only doctor they knew that worked at Huerta Memorial on the Citadel was Chloe Michel. Chloe.M. Her mouth was hanging open as the realization hit her like a ton of bricks.

Doctor freaking Chloe freaking Michel.

Immediately she signed out, not even bothering to come up with a goodbye. She didn’t care. She leaned back in her chair as her thoughts raced, trying to find anything that would have pinpointed that Michel was interested in Kaidan.

Fuming she jumped out the seat and paced, her hand on her hip. So, what? First she wanted Garrus, then Coats, then Vega and now she finally had sunk her claws into Kaidan? Didn’t he understand who she truly was? Didn’t Michel understand who she was messing with?

The doorbell chimed and she glanced at the time on her omni-tool. That was odd, she wasn’t expecting to have anyone over and it was fairly late by regular people standards. Sighing, she trudged her angry form towards the front door.

She swung the door open with a stance that was ready to tell whoever it was to go the hell away but stopped dead when she was greeted by all of her past crew. Garrus was leading the pack of friends and he flared his mandibles at her in a grin.

“Surprise?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes this chapter is short and no I have no idea why this story has such short chapters, hones to God. It just fits well with the flow of things, but the next chapter should be up shortly. As always I hope everyone enjoyed it.
> 
> I have so many people to thank. 
> 
> Verdandi73 is the one who inspired me and gave me the suggestion for using Dr. Michel as the the other woman. 
> 
> Verdandi, Kabi, The_Red_Celt, Mordinette, Snow and everyone else are the ones whose kind words urged me to continue this since the plan was for this to be a one-shot with nothing else. 
> 
> I <3 each and everyone one of them! They are amazing people and wonderful cheerleaders for me. :-)


	5. Do Not Interfere

As her friends filed in one by one, each of them tugging along a bag or two and giving her a brief or sometimes longer hug, she gaped at them. She shut the door once they had deposited their belongings into a massive heap in the dining room and turned to them, mentally counting each of them. Wrex, Bakara, Grunt, Tali, Sam, EDI, Joker, Garrus, Liara, Javik, Vega, Cortez, Jack, Miranda, Zaeed, Kasumi, Jacob and Samara who was starting to show her age.

“What are you all doing here?” She was overcome with emotion and tried to control her sudden urge to cry, but when Garrus wrapped his long arm around her waist and squeezed she felt more confidence in herself in, well, since the War ended. Grunt laughed, stealing the shotgun that Tali had laid on the table to examine it, earning him a frown from the quarian woman, while he spoke.

“Heh, heh, heh. For saving the galaxy Shepard, sometimes I wonder at your smarts. If Ga- um,” he paused, nervously taking in the look from Wrex and Liara which she would investigate later if she remembered. “If the Shadow Broker hadn’t emailed all of us then we probably _wouldn’t_ be here.”

“In my cycle your mate would have been--” Liara laid her hand on Javik’s arm and shook her head. He cleared his throat which earned a hearty chuckle from the massive group that was crowding her dining room. “Well, he would not go unpunished.”

Shepard laughed, leaning into Garrus’ side.  She looked around at all of them and then frowned. “I’m not sure I’ve got enough room to house all of you.”

Joker waved his hand, dismissing her words. “Hell, we’ve done it before on the Citadel and we can certainly do it again.”

“My questions never did get answered, by the way,” she said as the group made their way to the living room. “What is everyone doing here?”

“Moral support,” Liara called from the kitchen vaguely as she scrounged around the fridge for something to eat. She was massively pregnant and looked as if she would go into labor any damn day, but she still looked amazing and had barely gained any weight, much to Katherine’s dismay. She was certain that if she was ever pregnant she would _not_ look as beautiful as Liara did. She found something and squealed. “Oh, by the _Goddess_! Shepard! You must have known I was coming.”

“That’s what she said,” Joker quipped and immediately the group burst into laughter. Even Javik couldn’t control his own snickering and for the first time in weeks Katherine felt herself laughing, the stress, the pain, the hurt and everything else melting away within the confines of her friends. Garrus sat down next to her, throwing his arm out behind her over the back of the couch and smiled at her when she looked up at him.

“What? What did I say?” Liara asked, putting her new found delight into the microwave or “death trap” as Garrus had called it at one point.

“Nothing worth noting, my blue beauty,” Javik murmured softly, his hand reaching out to tug her towards him as her face lit up.

Shepard swallowed and looked away. She was happy for them, really she was, but seeing so many of her friends so in love and happy reminded her of what she was losing. She excused herself for a moment and made her way up the stairs towards her bedroom.

She sunk down onto the soft mattress and gazed across the room towards her dresser. There, goading her, was a picture of herself and Kaidan. They looked so damn happy, smiling at each other and hugging against the cold wind.

She stood up, striding to the offensive and deceiving picture. Her fingers wrapped around the stupid holo as her other hand opened the top drawer, dropping the image and tucking it under her clothes.

“I know it hurts, Shepard. I really do, but remember that you had something good.” She turned slightly, looking at him over her shoulder and sighed, her face crumpling and the tears threatened to spill over her cheeks.

His long legs carried him across her room quickly, his arms wrapping around her, bringing her against his warm turian body and stroked her hair. On instinct she wrapped her arms around his waist, burying her face into the hard plated chest and silently cried, her tears soaking into his soft clothes.

“It’s Doctor Michel,” she sobbed, her fingers tangling into his civvies. His hands stilled in their soothing movements.

“What?” His voice had sunk dangerously low and the only description she could give that it might have sounded like was a feral growl. She pulled back, trying to catch her breath and tilted her head up to look into his azure eyes.

For a moment, she felt lost in their sapphire gaze. His visor was gone and they were liquid pools of something she couldn’t place her finger on, but what she did know is that she had missed him more than she could put into words.

When he turned his eyes away from her the moment was lost and she was painfully brought back to the present.

“Doctor Michel is the other woman.” Garrus tilted his head back and barked out a laugh.

“She always wanted what she couldn’t have.”

“Not this time,” she added sullenly, moving back towards the edge of her bed as her fingers twined with Garrus’, missing the look on his face, and tugged him with her.  He sat next to her and sighed, rubbing the side of his face where his scars used to be.

Without thinking her hand lifted to the same spot and she ran her thumb over the scars that had once been but were not anymore, musing aloud by saying, “I still can’t get over the fact that you have no evidence of taking a missile to the face.”

He sighed when the warmth of her palm connected with his plates and hide, suppressing a deep sigh. His own hand itched to cover hers and keep her five fingers there for an eternity, but it was too soon or so he kept reminding the irrational side of his brain.

Her hand dropped from his face, her eyes meeting his. “Garrus.” Spirits, he’d never get tired of hearing her say his name. “How did you deal with the woman you loved?”  He gave her a questioning look, his brow plates drawing down over his eyes. She blushed and his heart beat erratically against his ribs. “I mean, earlier you said that you do understand, but how?”

He was thankful, at that moment, that he _couldn’t_ blush. “Hm. Well, long story short, I loved a woman for a very long time, still do, but when I realized that she would be happier with someone else I let go.” She gave him a sad look.

“I’m sorry someone hurt you like that, Garrus.”

“She never knew,” he said, tucking her hair behind her ear while giving her his best smile. Her brow creased into a frown as her lips pulled back into a tight line.

“Did you ever tell her?” His brow plates rose and he gave a soft chuckle, shaking his head.

“No, of course not.” She jerked in confusion, running a hand over face.

“I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t you? I mean, how could she not feel the same? Who is she?” Dangerous waters were ahead of him and he knew that if he continued he would be flailing with the occasional bouts of drowning.

“It’s complicated and it’s a story for another time,” he rumbled. At some point during the conversation she had scooted back and buried herself under the covers. She yawned and turned onto her side.

“If you insist,” she piped, trying to keep the tired tone from her voice. As he got up to leave, her hand shot out alarming fast and her eyes met his, pleading and desperate. “Wait. Don’t leave,” she said, pausing and drawing her bottom lip into her mouth. He cast a wary eye towards the bed.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

She gave a breathy laugh and nodded. “You’re my rock Garrus; my best friend and my everything. You always have been.”

As he crawled in bed pulling himself under the cool sheets of her bed, letting her turn, tucking her head under his cowl and pulling his arm over her he knew that he was flailing and that drowning was definitely in his future.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Do you think she even knows?” Sam whispered as she, Tali, Liara, EDI, Kasumi, Bakara, Samara, Miranda and Jack crept away from the closed door.

Tali gave her a look, her brows drawn down over her eyes and shook her head while Liara hissed, “Of course not! She’ll need a lot of convincing.” On the stairs, safely far enough away from the door, Bakara stopped them women and gave them a stern look.

“Do not interfere. Katherine has to deal with her husband and during the process she will finally realize what we already know.” EDI huffed, but gave a look of chagrin when Bakara fixed her with a steely eye. “You cannot play the Emma with her at this point in time.”

“Duh,” Jack muttered from behind Miranda who giggled though tried to keep her face straight when the group of hens gave her a curious look. “C’mon, we all know that the big G has had the hots for Shepard since, well, he first served with her.” Miranda turned and looked at her counterpart with a feigned shock.

“No! It can’t possibly be so!” Jack did something that made Miranda squeal, clapping her hands over her lips quickly and tossed an angry look over her shoulder.

“But,” Tali interrupted, ignoring the obvious PDA and too much information thanks to the two biotics. “I agree with Bakara. We have to let her learn it for herself.” The group grumbled, but agreed only because Bakara threatened them.

"If we push them too fast then it would only end in heart break," Samara added in her normal airy albeit tired voice, leaning against the railing of the stairs. 

And honestly, Liara thought, who would dare cross a female krogan or a Justicar?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew! I didn't expect this one to be as long as it turned out, but when I start writing about Garrus and Female Shepard it just happens. 
> 
> ENJOY! :-) <3


	6. Round One

Liara quickly answered the incessant buzzing from the console in the kitchen that was indicative of an incoming call and knowing full well who was on the other line she answered briskly, “Shepard residence.” He had been calling three or four times a day with no luck at getting in touch with his wife. Every time he tried to call Shepard’s omni, Liara had her agents redirect the call and for that she felt pretty smug.

“Liara I need to talk to Katherine. It’s my damn house too, you know.” Anger spiked in her veins and her mouth tightened into a thin line. Garrus’ voice drifted to her from the living as he was talking to Shepard and trying to keep her focused on the newest mods that he had purchased for his Black Widow. “Is that – that’s not Garrus is it?” She knew it was childish and she knew that she shouldn’t feel such satisfaction from hearing the tone of the biotics voice, but he had hurt her friend. Let him worry, he had earned it.

“As a matter of fact it is. Is that a problem, Alenko?” Silence met her on the other line and she waited, shifting her weight to ease the dull throbbing in her lower back while suppressing a groan of pain. She could practically hear him gritting his teeth as he ground out his words.

“Of course not. Why should it be? It’s not like he’s been in love with her for _years_ or anything,” he growled angrily. She felt her painted brows raise as she glanced over her shoulder before unhooking the device and waddled towards the office.

“You can’t possibly tell me that you’re jealous of Garrus Vakarian. After what _you_ have _done_?” She felt her own biotics crackle as she quietly shut the door behind her, easing her pregnant self down onto the edge.

“I don’t have to explain myself to you but I do want something clear, Doctor,” he paused and she tilted her head, pressing her ear against the device as her eyes narrowed. “I loved her unconditionally even when she was, well – clearly she’s always harbored feelings for him and I dealt with it, ignored it even--”

“Ignored it?” she scoffed, coughing out a dry laugh and couldn’t help the fury that laced her voice. “You _ignored_ it? Like how you ignored it when Katherine went to Palaven to visit – **VISIT** –him and you blew up at her? As in you ignored it so well that you told her that if she were to _ever_ see him again you would move out?” As she expected, nothing but silence greeted her from the other end. “He is her best friend! Always has been and you know Garrus well enough to know that he would never have done anything to compromise what she had with you. He took whatever she was willing to give and never asked for a credit more. And I'll have you note that she's always loved you.” Katherine did love him and it was more than he deserved, but she also knew, without a doubt, that she was irrevocably in love, always had been, with Garrus even if she didn't know it but she'd be damned if she told him that lest it get back to Shepard.

"Let me speak to Katherine."

“She’s busy at the moment.” He sighed angrily over the line.

“Dammit, Liara. Give her the phone or so help me I will be on the next flight out of here.” Immediately she whipped around, ignoring the weight of the baby and turned the console on. A few keystrokes later and she had complete access to his accounts. She tapped her light blue fingers over the holographic interface and gave a small sardonic smile. Sometimes it was a wonderful feeling to be the Shadow Broker and hold all of the cards.

“Can you do that with no credits? Perhaps your flight or all flights connecting to the Citadel are delayed for months at a time? What if your flight gets redirected and stranded on remote planet?”

“You wouldn’t dare,” he spit menacingly over the line.

“Are you testing me, Kaidan? You know who I am and what I’m capable of.” She heard him take a deep breath and exhale.

“I need to tell her something.”

“As in?”

“I’m staying in Vancouver.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who had reviewed and left me Kudos; ya'll are awesome. :-)
> 
> Yes, this moved up to "T" for future language because, well... all of you who read my other works know that, clearly -- as a person and a writer -- I have a mouth. :-)


	7. the best decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard learns that her former crew has been hiding stuff from her. 
> 
> Katherine and Kaidan have a well deserved talk.

“He-he called? And you didn’t tell me,” she repeated slowly, her hand ghosting over her face but pausing at the corners of her lips as she slowly dragged her thumb and index finger down to pinch her bottom lip softly. Everyone recognized this as her “Commander” face and all of them shifted in their positions as if getting ready for the ass reaming of the millennium. As Liara opened her mouth to explain, Shepard raised her hand, effectively silencing the entire group of her former crew.

Her eyes, deep, liquid and nothing but pools of emerald sought of his sapphire gaze until their eyes collided and in an instant, with no spoken words between them she gave a soft, dry laugh as her tongue darted out to touch the corner of her lip her face contorting into her “I-am-so-pissed-you-don’t-even-fucking-know” face.  Garrus’ eyes lowered to the floor, his jaw clenching as he swallowed. Her slender hand curled into a fist as she pressed it against her mouth and her eyes raked over her crew. Her mouth opened but she immediately snapped it shut, inhaling deeply through her nose and gave another angry laugh.

Yes, she was angry that they neglected to tell her that he had been trying to tell her he’d be staying in Vancouver but what stung the most was that Garrus knew and he didn’t tell her.

“How long will he be there?” Miranda cleared her throat, stepping slightly behind Jack.

“Indefinitely. Presumably until they can get a divorce,” Liara supplied softly. Tali bowed her head and once again found herself shedding tears for her Commander.

“Shepard,” Garrus started but when she looked at him he stopped, swallowing down his words. The look of absolute betrayal in her eyes broke his heart. In that moment he felt as if he had failed her which wasn’t something he took lightly.

“I need some time alone.”

 

 

* * *

  


 

“Kaidan?”

“Katherine?” he responded in a teasing tone and she felt a smile tug at her lips as the tears threatened to spill from her eyes and she laughed. It felt like old times and she’d give anything, _anything_ , to go back to that but he loved another woman. How could she compete with the beautiful Doctor Chloe Michel?

She heaved a heavy sigh and rested her head back against the bed while trying to reign in her emotions. She pinched her bottom lip and inhaled deeply. “I heard that you have something to tell me.”

“That was three weeks ago, but I’ll let it l slide. Look, Katie--” She felt herself crumbling and shot out a hand, useless and she knew that, to stop his words. She wanted to sob, to cry to him until he understood how badly he had hurt her but she also knew that it wouldn’t do anything.

“I love you so much, Kaidan.” She was met by silence. “You know that right?” He sighed and she pictured him running his hand through his hair; forcing it to stand on end.

“I know, but I think it’d be best for us.”

“It’s just so sudden. I mean – Jesus, what did I do wrong?” She tried, with all of her might, to hide the pain but it wasn’t as easy as she’d hoped.

“Shepard,” he sighed. Her face crumpled and she pressed the back of her hand against her mouth. He hadn’t called her that since, well, she couldn’t remember. “We need time. But I want to be clear that I want a divorce.”

She sucked in a breath. Pleading wasn’t her forte, but she didn’t want to lose him; no matter what he’d done. “Please,” she sobbed, her body jerking. “Please don’t do this. We can fix it. I can fix this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to the hateful comments and everything that I am going through I am not sure if I can continue this; and for that, to all of my fantastic fans, I am sorry. Maybe this needs to go on hiatus. After Sasha and everyone else who followed in her wake berated me, I'm done with this. I can't go in to detail about what I'm trying, _desperately_ , to deal with. I just -- I've learned disgusting and painful things and I have no idea what to do. I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't; literally. 
> 
> No one really understands how difficult it is to be an Army wife and to make the decision on whether or not to go and see, personally, your -- sadly -- current husband's Battalion Commander while handing him physical proof of his infidelity.
> 
> It hurts that someone or even multiple persons could be so downright _evil_ over what I'm going through and cry, whine, bitch and fucking moan because "Kaidan is so damn precious!" You don't like it? Don't read it.


	8. Babies Must Come

Over the next few weeks Katherine threw herself into her work, meeting with dignitaries and bullshitting with her crew that refused to leave Eden Prime except for just a few days here and there. She hadn’t felt that busy or exhausted since the war, but it kept her mind off of her failing marriage.

Kaidan had kept true to his word and had stayed in Vancouver, renting out a decently priced apartment and rarely called unless to ask if she’d found whatever it was he seemed to be missing.

In between working she had finally mustered the courage to start packing his things carefully into the steel crates that Garrus had acquired for her. Tali had offered to help but Katherine had waved her off saying, “I need to do this. I need to realize that he’s not coming back.”

The longer he stayed away, the easier it was to get back into her daily routines. The less he called, the looser the knot in her chest got. The more she packed, the better she could breathe. The more time she spent with her crew, the faster she could fall asleep at night.

However, when Liara went into labor all of that came to an abrupt halt when Katherine realized that they needed to get her to a hospital and quickly.

And, of course, the closest hospital that was familiar in birthing asari was Huerta.

On the Citadel.

Where Chloe Michele worked. 


	9. Welcome baby Ekahau T'Soni-Au Puch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard deals with her past pain, confronts Chloe Michele and Liara has her baby. :-)

“Just breathe, Liara,” Katie whispered as Cortez and Joker manned the shuttle from the dock to the hospital. She had brought a small bag, or actually quite large according to Wrex, of things that Liara and Javik might need once the baby was born.

She’d had it stashed away for years in the back of her closet, hidden by crates and boxes of spare ammo and mods for weapons she didn’t even have anymore, for sentimental value though Kaidan had never truly understood why she kept it. He asked her one time, “Honey, why do you keep it if you only bring it out once a year to look at and cry over?”

It was difficult, impossible even, to put into words that he might even have understood or comprehended. Or maybe it was the idea of trying to explain it to a man that made it hard, she wasn’t sure. He hadn’t been the one to carry the baby, feel the subtle changes his body or even feel the physical and emotional pain she had gone through when the baby died.

Going back to Huerta was not only painful in the fact that she’d be forced to see the woman who had stolen her soon to be ex-husband’s heart but more painful because of the horrible memory she had of going in for her second trimester ultrasound and leaving with a scheduled D&C after finding out that the baby’s heart was not beating.

It had taken her three years, three long miserable years, to even be able to look at the baby items without feeling like she was being eviscerated. Eventually the pain dulled and she could open the bag to just cry soft tears into the little outfits that had never held a infant or fall asleep with the fluffy blankets pressed against her cheek that had never had the chance to swaddle a newborn.

After learning that the life inside her body had died she had cried for weeks, months even, and she hadn’t wanted to get out of bed or do anything that required any type of moving. She’d been so miserable that Kaidan had finally broken down and called Garrus since he had run out things to say or do to make his mourning wife feel better. That was also the only time he had ever called Garrus for help.

_The door opened and pale yellow light spilled in the dark room from the hall._

_“I’m not hungry.”_

_“I’m not bringing you anything to eat, Shepard,” Garrus’ rumbling dual-toned voice said softly as he leaned his large hulking figure against the door-jamb. She turned to look at him, her eyes wide, her face splotchy from crying and a small smile gracing her curved lips._

_“Garrus! What’re you doing here?” she asked as she patted the empty side of the bed next to her indicating that she wanted him to sit. Quietly he shut the door, flipping on the light and slowly eased his form onto the bed._

_“Officially? I’m here to make you feel better. Unofficially? I’m damage control.” When her lips pulled down into a frown he sighed, taking her small hand in his and forced her to meet his eyes. “Kaidan’s worried about you. You’re not eating, you’re not sleeping. He said that all you’ve been doing for the past few weeks is lying in bed and crying. I understand--”_

_She jerked away from him and shook her head. She was so fucking sick and_ tired _of hearing that. No one understood. No one had lost a child. No one was growing life and have it perish before they could even find out the gender, count their fingers and toes or make sure there was nothing wrong. She whipped the covers back and jumped up from the bed, twisting her chestnut colored hair and tossing it behind her shoulders._

 _“Don’t sit there and tell me that you understand because you don’t, not really. I alone was to carry something as precious as a life until it could draw its first breath and survive outside of my body. Me, myself and I. Not Kaidan, not you, not Tali._ Me _,” she cried, jabbing her index finger into her chest so hard it left a red mark on her olive skin. Her face crumpled after a moment of staring at him and breathing hard. She tilted her head upwards, blinking rapidly as her voice dropped to barely an octave above a whisper. “But I failed. I failed as a mother. I failed as a wife. I failed as a_ woman _. How can I save all life from an evil so terrifying and even survive myself, but I can’t bring life into this world?”_

 _He was up and by her side before she finished. He wrapped his large arms around her back, bringing her against his chest and tucked her head against his cowl while he ran his blunted talons through her hair. “You’re not, Shepard. You’re not. You’ve never failed and this – this unpredicted tragedy is not_ your _failure. You did nothing wrong. It happens with every species. Asari, turian, quarian, drell but this,” he pulled away, cradling her face in his hands and thumbing away her tears. “will never,_ ever _, be your fault.”_

_“Garrus--”_

_“Don’t. Deep down,” he pressed a hand against her sternum near her heart. “in there, you know it wasn’t you. I can’t say that I completely understand what you’re going through, because I don’t, but I know what it’s like to lose a loved one and blame yourself for it. I beat myself up over not having done enough for my mother or not being there for her when she was sick, but you, Shepard – you showed me that no matter what, not even if I had known about everything or had been there or had been able to even try to do something, it was the course of life and there was nothing you or I could do to change that.”_

_She looked up at him and pressed her hand to the side of his face while giving him a watery smile. “In all the gin joints in the galaxy, how did I find such a great friend?”_

She was pulled from her revere as the shuttle stopped quickly and Garrus slammed the door opened, grabbing the bag and tossing it at Tali. Carefully Javik gathered Liara and settled her in a wheelchair, pressing his hand on her shoulder.

Katherine jumped out and hurried to the desk. “We have a friend in labor.”

The receptionist looked up, boredom written on her face. “Name?”

“Liara T’Soni.” The asari tapped away on the holographic interface with her perfect manicured nails for a moment before pausing and looking back up at Shepard, her painted on eyebrows drawing down and her features contorting.

“You’re Shepard! By the Goddess,” she said as she picked up a device and spoke quickly into the mouthpiece. “A doctor will be with you in just a minute.” Shepard nodded and turned back to the group of friend who, somehow, had all managed to fit into the tiny shuttle.

“Who ees ze patient?” came Chloë’s voice from behind Katherine. She felt her body tense but at the absolute look of pain on Liara’s face she took a deep breath.

“T’Soni, Liara,” the receptionist said.

“Shepard?” Katherine turned around, giving a lightly reassuring squeeze to her friend’s shoulder.

“Doctor Michele, it’s been too long.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

In between Michele monitoring Liara, the nurses dashing in and out of the room, and Liara’s cries of pain mixed with things Shepard’s translator couldn’t even decipher there was hardly time to even think about speaking to the woman.

Not that she wasn’t planning on it but timing was problematic and truth be told she was more concerned about her friend than getting answers.

When Liara was seven centimeters the woman looked at her and swallowed, puffing out a breath and writing something down on the chart. “Je sais que vous voulez me parler ... choses.”

Shepard looked at her, shaking her head saying, “Je ne pense pas que c'est maintenant le meilleur moment, Chloe.”

“Peut-être, mais je sais que vous voulez des réponses, et il sera toujours un certain temps avant qu'elle donne naissance. S'il vous plaît suivez-moi, Shepard. Je sais que je vous dois, en plus d'un titre.”The doctor motioned with her hand and Katie followed, curiosity lighting her eyes. Garrus gave her a look and she waved him off saying, “I’ll be fine” and pressed a hand against his arm as she passed.

As soon as they were out of the room and past the receptionist’s desk Michele turned around, her lips pressed tight together and her eyes instantly searching the taller woman’s face for any sign of a beat down.

“If I was going to shoot you, I’d have done it already,” Shepard deadpanned. Chloe gave a small, nervous laugh before sobering up as she noticed the stoic face Katherine wore. She sighed and rubbed her forehead as if she was in pain.

“Eet wazn’t planned,” Chloe began, licking her lips nervously. “We never – it just – I can’t explain ‘ow we got to ze point zat we did. ‘e loved you, so very much, but zees zings ‘appen. I’m not trying to make an excuse for what we deed, because eet ees wrong and I cannot ask for your forgeevness. I just,” she paused, pressing her hand against her mouth and met Katherine’s eyes. “I just don’t want you to ‘ate Kaidan. I wanted more and I am ze one ‘oo pressured ‘im knowing, full well, zat ee was with you. I’m so sorry, Shepard. Truly I am. Eet waz wrong.”

Shepard wanted to lash out and reave her. She wanted to slam her up against a wall and blow her brains out. She wanted to warp her into oblivion and beyond.

Instead she just looked at the crying French woman in front of her, feeling nothing but pity. She was angry, of that there was no doubt, but instead of causing bodily harm she pinched the bridge of her nose. She wanted to drag her down to C-Sec and question her, knowing full well that Bailey wouldn’t ask a single goddamn question, but instead she took a deep breath to calm her ever growing biotic trill.

“I need to know something.” Chloe looked up with red-rimmed eyes and Katherine averted her eyes. She didn’t cure the damn genophage or create peace between the quarians and geth with a hardened heart but she couldn’t stop the question from bursting forth. “Why Garrus? Why do you always want the men in my life?”

Chloe jerked and looked at her, her momentary sorrow forgotten at the angry question. Her brows drew down in confusion. “Eet waz never about--” but she stopped and looked away, scratching an itch on her upper lip.

“I’m waiting, _doctor_.” Katherine crossed her arms over her chest, bringing herself up to her full height as a habit. Chloe opened her mouth to say something, a knowing look in her eyes but the announcement forced them to spring back to Liara’s room.

“Later?” Chloe asked, her fist almost against the door.

“Later,” Shepard conceded while nodding.

***

Liara’s scream of pain ripped through Katherine and she gritted her teeth. She could handle bullet wounds, burns, rockets to the face, brittle bones, gaping holes of the body but this was just excruciating. The sounds that Liara was making were unlike anything that she had ever heard before but she was there with a cold rag pressed against her forehead as Javik was escorted out of the room after using his biotics on two other nurses. Most, actually all, of the crew had filed out shortly after Javik claiming different reasons for leaving.

“I’m going to kill him,” Liara growled as she panted, trying to catch her breath after a painful contraction.

“Eet ‘appens all ze time,” Chloe replied as she peered beneath the blanket before bouncing up with a giant grin on her face. “Just one more push.”

“Javik. Shepard, please,” she begged, her azure eyes turning up towards the emerald ones. Katherine nodded. In less than a minute Javik was back in the room, his three fingered hand clasped in Liara’s five fingered one as Michele told her to push one more time.

After one last scream there was a brief moment of silence before a loud, lusty cry sounded from the baby that was being surreptiously hidden between the doctor and nurses.

Once the infant had been administered its vaccines, swaddled and praised it was placed back in Michele’s arms while Javik tried, desperately, to see if it was okay.

“Liara?” Chloe asked softly. “Do you want to ‘old your baby boy?”

Shepard and Liara jerked in surprise. “A-a boy?” Liara asked even though her arms reached out instinctively.

“Yes; a 'ealthy baby boy.”

As Chloe placed the baby in Liara’s arms the asari opened the blanket to peer at the infant with happy tears streaming down her face. Her slender finger reached out and slid over her son’s face whispering, “A boy; we have a son!”

Javik leaned over her shoulder, a smile splitting his normally emotionless face. “What will we name him?”

Liara looked at her bond mate, shaking her head as the door opened with a brisk Aethyta striding in saying, “Sorry I’m late. Goddamn politics.”

Those who were in the room laughed and Katherine shook her head. “So, where is my grand-baby?” Carefully, Liara beckoned her father over as Shepard inched her way towards the bed to get a peak at the half prothean-half asari baby.

As they leaned over the rest of the Normandy crew filed in and crowded the bed much to Liara’s surprise as she had to choke back her happy tears.

The baby, so very different than any other infant Katherine had ever seen, opened its bright teal colored eyes and looked around at the group with curiosity as it laid its hand against its mother’s chest.

“He loves you, all of you,” Liara whispered as Javik carefully laid his hand on his son’s cheek.

“We will name him Ekahau T’Soni Au Puch.”

Shepard smiled, her hand reaching for Garrus’.

It was perfect.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. If you remember, Katherine chose Synthesis as her ME3 ending. So given how little canon there is about that (or any of the endings for that matter) Liara and Javik were able to conceive a 50% asari and 50% prothean baby boy. :-) I hope it's not too far fetched. And since Javik doesn't have a last name I Googled Mayan names. It seemed fitting and the last name means, "God of Death" while the babies first name, Ekahau, means "God of Travelers". 
> 
> And translation between Shepard and Chloe is as follows: 
> 
> Chloe: I know you want to talk to me about... things. 
> 
> Shepard: I don't think now is the best time, Chloe. 
> 
> Chloe: Perhaps, but I know you want answers and it will still be awhile before she gives birth. Please follow me, Shepard. I know I owe you; in more ways than one. 
> 
> I'll be really, really embarrassed if my French is not up to par but I only speak/write it when I talk to my friends who speak/write French. I've never been fantastic at it, but I certainly don't think I'm horrible and my friends ignore my mistakes. LOL!
> 
> And wow, I can't believe this chapter turned out to be almost, if not, 2400 words. It was not intentional but I just couldn't find a good part to end until the end. 
> 
> As far as the miscarriage bit goes: yes, I've been there. Three times actually so those feelings, what Shepard said, are what I felt and I believed that this chapter was a good one to let those feelings out. 
> 
> As always, I hope you enjoyed it!


	10. Better late than never, right?

The euphoria wore off as soon as Shepard keyed in her code to the house and instead she was left with feeling an overwhelming ache in her heart and gut so intense that it took her breath away. She leaned heavily against the wall, breathing in deep breaths and blinking back the tears that wouldn’t be held in.

Her hand flew to her belly, her movements clumsy, and she sobbed, letting her body slide down until she was sitting and cradling her abdomen. “Oh God,” she whispered, resting her forehead on her knees. “Why her, but not me?”

It wasn’t that she wasn’t happy for her blue skinned friend, quite the opposite, but she couldn’t help the feeling of resentment that bubbled up inside of her and settled around her heart like a steel vice. It was selfish to feel so upset over the birth of a new life and she knew that, but no matter what she _knew_ it still hurt and painfully so.

She rocked back and forth, heaving in gulps of air and sniffing in her sorrow but it just flowed out of her against her will. Her fingers tightened on her lower back until it hurt and she didn’t care. Maybe the physical pain would take away from the emotional and mental pain.

She thought she was past the pain and utter heartbreak, but seeing the little infant nestled in the tiny blankets tore at her every fiber now that she was alone and with her own thoughts.

She unwrapped a hand from around her abdomen to press it over her mouth to try to quiet the wailing to no avail. “What have I done wrong?” she asked into the darkness of her home, hoping to find answer but none was given. Silence was the only subject willing to give acknowledgement to her question as she rocked her body back and forth as if it would ease the pain, but it didn’t. Nothing could help and she was angry at herself for being so damn selfish when her friend was so happy.

“Shepard?” Quickly she swiped at her emerald eyes to try and hide the track mark of her sorrow at the dual-toned voice on the other side of the door. She huffed in a deep breath and leaned her head back against the wall.

“What’s up, Garrus?”

“Can I come in?” She sighed and swallowed down the hard lump in her throat while trying to decide if she wanted to see anyone at the moment. Eventually her crew – old crew – would make it back, but by then she could regain her composure. In the end she found herself calling out a small, “Yes”.

The door opened and he slowly entered, blinking against the dark and casually flipped on the light but turned his body towards hers as she stood up.

“I know you’re hurting; what with Kaidan –” he started to say, but she tossed her arms around his neck, silencing him, and buried her face into his cowl.

“I just need you to hold me, Garrus.” She felt him nod as his arms wound their way around her smaller frame, the tips of his blunted talons resting on her waist and his chin resting on the top her head. 

She had never understood how the turian who was holding her in one of her darker moments could calm her or bring a smile to her just by walking into a room or quirking his mandibles at her until now. He was, always had been, more than a friend and the epiphany slammed over her like an icy bucket of cold water, drenching her and leaving her feeling absolutely mortified.

No – mortified wasn’t the right word. Mortified meant horrified and the feeling was far from it. Well, maybe mortified _was_ the right word. She was mortified, with herself, at how she had never seen it before, never could give name to her feelings to the seven foot plus turian who was comforting her now.

All thoughts and feelings of loss left her as she pulled back and looked up at the turian – man – who was trying to comfort her. Did he feel the same? How long had she harbored these feelings? They always said it would take a year and it had only been ten months, so what is it too soon?

Garrus looked back at her, curiosity lighting his eyes, and she hesitantly placed a hand against the side of his face that used to bear evidence that he had taken a rocket to the face; memories, of which, she never thought about since the pain, of almost losing him, was too much. In the silence of the house she heard his almost imperceptible intake of breath and she didn’t know if that was good or bad. Quickly she pulled back, her face flushing a bright crimson. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled and tried to pull away but his arms tightened around her, locking her against him loosely.

“Shepard,” he rumbled, his deep voice reverberating through her body and snaking through her veins so sharply that she had to catch her breath. She’d always found his voice attractive, sexy even, but at that moment she realized something important. So important it left her reeling and breathless.

His eyes tightened as he carefully raised a three fingered hand and laid it against her cheek softly. Instead of pulling away, she pressed into the warmth of his hand. She bit her bottom lip, fighting a losing battle internally.

He softly placed his finger, mindful of his blunted talon, underneath her chin, tilting her head upwards until he could full look into her eyes and asked a silent question. Whatever he found dancing in her eyes softened the edges of his eyes and his mandibles relaxed against his jaw.

She brought her other hand up and lightly pressed her cool fingers under his fringe where she was met with soft, like new leather, skin. When he sighed she took that cue to bring his head down, standing on her toes, and tenderly press her lips against his.

His body tensed for a moment before his eyes slid closed, his hand tightening around her waist and he pressed his body against hers as his hand tangled into her long, silken strands of dark brown hair. His hand cupped her cheek, his two fingers pressed against the back of her ear as his thumb curved over her cheekbone.

For a species who had no lips to speak of he was a quick learner and adapted to what her body was asking. His mouth opened under her parted lips and she gave a soft sigh, pressing closer against the familiar yet entirely foreign being that had her locked in a tight embrace.

Her tongue darted out to engage his longer, alien one and he obliged by giving vent to a soft rumble when they connected.

The kiss was languid, soft and full of emotion that she hadn’t thought she could feel for the turian in her arms, but when he broke the kiss to trail his tongue, soft and ridged, over her jaw, towards her ear and down the column of her supple throat she pulled back suddenly.

The look in his eyes broke her heart and when he tried to pull away with an apology gracing his lips, she pressed her hand against his mouth and shook her head. “Don’t - don’t apologize, Garrus. I want this,” she admitted. She met his gaze, tightening her hold around him and shook her head while giving a breathless laugh. Suddenly she felt inadequate; she knew he was in love with a woman, a woman of whom she had no idea of. “I just want to know that you want this as much as I do. I know your heart belongs to another. If anyone is to be sorry, then it’s me.”

What she didn’t expect was for him to laugh and bring her towards him in a bone crushing hug while saying, “It’s always been you, Shepard.”

Then he kissed her with such longing, so much love and so many other feelings that she had been missing she didn’t know what to do with them.

She met his kiss with just as much gusto as he gave, trailing her fingers down his neck and grasping his cowl when he nipped at the hollow of her neck. She gasped as his thick, nimble fingers found their way under her shirt and danced their way across her abdomen, pausing at her waist to slide upwards and back down the curve of her.

Her eyes fluttered shut when his mouth found its way to her collar bone. He tugged at her shirt and she lifted her arms so that he could pull it over her head with a blush creeping over her cheeks as he took in the sight of her clad in her bra and pants; the shirt hanging loosely in his hand.

“Too different?” she asked nervously, placing her arm over her scantily clad breasts. Once, so many years ago, she had imagined how this might go. He shook his head, dropping the shirt to the floor.

“You’re more beautiful then I could have imagined,” he breathed, reaching out his hand, as if trying to calm a wounded animal, to barely run his talons over her exposed skin which made her skin pebble in pleasure and her breath hitched in the back of her throat.

Touches here and there brought out sighs, soft moans and wanton cries of pleasure. Eventually they made their way up the stairs towards her bedroom and she found herself on the bed, full naked with an equally naked turian in front of her, with her head thrown back and gasping out his name as his tongue did wonderful things to her body and she fisted her hands in the sheets.

She managed to find enough use in her hand to grasp his fringe and tug. He took the bait and kissed a trail so scalding hot up her body that she might just explode. He bent his head to capture her lips in a kiss so overwhelming that she felt tears prick the back of her eyes.

“Garrus,” she breathed heavily, bringing her legs up and, with his awkward yet so sexy guidance, rested them on his hips that cradled her thighs as if they were meant for just that. She reached for him, but he brushed her hand away, dropping his forehead to hers, breathing heavily.

“Is this – do you really want this? With me?” She didn’t miss the pain that flashed through his eyes as he pulled away, his mandibles flickering in nervousness and it once again tore at her heart, shredding it into a million pieces. She tried to find the words to tell him how much she wanted him both physically and emotionally, but when she didn’t answer right away his left mandible quirked up into a sad smile and he gave a forced laugh, shaking his head. He pulled away, extricating his body from hers and turned with his plated back towards her to sit on the side of the bed, running a hand over his face and sighing. “This was a mistake.”

The words sliced through her and she instinctively turned her head away from the pain as if he had slapped her. The weight on the bed shifted and she looked at him, instantly reaching out a hand to wrap her fingers around his arm as he reached for his pants, and swallowed.

“I don’t think this is a mistake,” she said, the words tumbling out of her lips before she even knew what she would say. “If this was a mistake then I’d feel guilty, but I don’t. I want this, I want you.” He turned to look at her, a million different expressions playing over his turian features before he smiled. She returned his smiled shyly, leaning over and pressing a kiss to his would be shoulder blade. “I hate it’s taken this long for me to realize it.”

He turned back towards her, pressing his mouth against hers and settling himself between her olive thighs. “Better late than never, right?” 


	11. Confrontation

As Chloe exited the room, Shepard, who was leaning against the wall with her shoulder, pushed away and blocked her way. “I think it’s time we had that talk. I took the liberty of finding out when your break was.”

Michele froze like a deer caught in headlights and just blinked up at the woman who had saved the galaxy three times over; she looked as if she were trying to find a strategic escape, but when weighed against the chances of actually getting away from Commander _fucking_ Shepard, who had taken down Reapers on foot, she just bobbed her head up and down like a bird. “Bien sur, follow me.”

Shepard kept close, less than a foot behind her at all times, just in the off chance that Michele did try to run off. She knew she was being intimidating but could really care less; she was locked in Commander mode since it was easier that way or else she’d back out and never get answers. They stopped in front of Michele’s office and the doctor opened the door, gesturing but Katherine shook her head and with a smirk said, “You first.” The doctor looked as if she had swallowed something sour before heading inside after a moment’s hesitation.

As the door slid shut, Shepard rounded on her; all of her calm demeanor melting away. “Spill it,” she growled, almost backing the small woman against the wall. Chloe looked at her with wide eyes and swallowed heavily. “How exactly did you and Kaidan start seeing each other? Why do you want every man that is associated with me? Why did you pursue Garrus for three years? Why, precisely, did both Coats and Vega turn you down? After everything I have done for you, why – no, _how_ could you do what you’ve done?” Shepard felt the heat of her biotics crackling underneath her skin and took a deep breath, taking a step back from the small female in front of her.

“What eez your obsession with why I was eenterested in Garrus?” Chloe shot back, finding a small bit of backbone. Katherine felt her eyebrows shoot up and stared at the doctor.

“That is not the point,” Shepard ground out from behind gritted teeth, but the woman shook her head vehemently and jabbed a finger into Katherine’s chest.

“Eet ees ze point! You were too wrapped up in your own world, your own feelingz for Garrus, to see zat you were lozing your ‘usband. Why do you sink he came to me? Loneliness, Commander. You chose a life wizout ‘him, chose ze Normandy over ‘im. I deed what you were not woman enough to do; be zere for ‘im, love ‘im and give ‘im what a man needs. Ze Great Commander Shepard failed and you cannot accept failure because--”

A loud slap! rang out through the room as the back of Shepard’s hand connected with Chloe’s pale cheek. Instantly it smarted, the perfect outline of her knuckles were bright red against the whiteness of the woman’s cheek and blood trickled from her lips. Katherine gathered herself to her full height and stepped as close to the doctor as humanly possible.

“I asked him to serve on the Normandy after the war, but _he_ turned it down for his Spectre status; so don’t think you know everything, because you don’t. You know _nothing_ ,” she hissed, bending down and pressing her face close to the other woman’s. “In an instant I could have you disbarred from ever practicing again. Don’t forget that I helped you with C-Sec, Banes, and countless others because you can’t stay out of trouble. But enough of that,” she paused, sucking in a deep breath to try and find some sort of calm, but when none was discovered she whipped around and began pacing. Truly, she had no reason to explain herself to the stupid woman, but she kept talking. “You wanna know why I have always been so concerned over Garrus? He’s been my, whole heartedly, best friend for years. He’s always had my six – my back – when Kaidan refused to be there. He’s been there when I needed a friend, a shoulder to cry on and someone to lean on in my most difficult times. Yes, I’m protective of him but that’s because he’s my right hand. He’s never questioned my orders; he’s never abandoned me or called me a traitor like Kaidan did.”

“Kaidan would never--”

“I will _not_ have you question me or argue with me,” Shepard said in the most commanding voice that she could muster over the wavering of her vocal chords. She stared down Chloe as if she were a fuzzy on his first duty station right after AIT. “Do I make myself clear?”

The small human’s breath had sped up and she nodded her quickly. “Good,” Shepard paused, trying to collect her thoughts and ran a hand over her forehead, noting in satisfaction that Chloe’s face still bore evidence of her hand. “When I was,” she hesitated, trying to find the right words. She hadn’t received a UCMJ but neither was she court martialed so the only thing she could find that was the closest to her past predicament tumbled from her lips even though it didn’t taste or fit right. “confined to HQ in Vancouver because I murdered three hundred thousand plus Batarians to protect the likes of you from the Reapers, Kaidan never even bothered to try and contact me. You have no idea – none whatsoever – what that feels like.” She laughed hoarsely, shaking her head and cut the doctor a look. “Even on Mars he questioned be, believed that I was still with Cerberus after Earth had been attacked, but Garrus never did.  I was too wrapped up in my feelings for Kaidan that I pushed what I felt for Garrus away and buried them.”

She stopped herself from continuing, her chest heaving with anger and she felt like slapping the stupid woman again just for the hell of it but decided against it. She didn’t need an angry Council or Alliance breathing down her neck for harassment. “Now, answer my questions.”

“We ran into each ozer when ‘ee waz ‘ere while you were on some meeshon,” Chloe readily answered. She looked down and away from Shepard’s heated gaze, shaking her head. “We talked and we ended up een my apartment for a few drinks. Eet grew from zere.”

“And you had no qualms with stabbing me in the back? I’ve saved your life more times than I can count on all of my appendages,” she shot, trying to keep her control in check. It was certainly not something she was good at. Most were lucky that she let them speak, but she wasn’t groundside on a mission at the moment. She couldn’t just put a bullet between the doctor’s eyes because of lack of information that that she needed – no, wanted. Chloe looked back at her with wide eyes and shook her head.

“No, eet was never like zat!”

“Isn’t it though?”

Chloe shook her head rapidly, as if trying to convince herself that she was right and Shepard was wrong.  “’ee was lonely and I waz zere to comfort ‘im when you were--”

“Saving lives!” Shepard cried before pulling back and pacing as she had done countless times while debriefing her soldiers. She shot a killing look towards the doctor and she wished that Cerberus had installed lasers in her eyes.

“But--”

“But nothing. I was saving lives in ways you can only imagine in your dreams. Do _not_ try and diminish what I do or you’ll regret it,” Katherine snarled through gritted teeth, almost to the point of toeing the ground like a raging bull with his testicles tied to his abdomen and ready to lunge at the matador.

Her biotics were ticking under her skin in anger at not being released and the heat from the implants was starting to make her sweat. “Honesty is key, doctor,” she murmured, sidling up to the smaller woman and glared down at her.

Chloe’s breathing sped up, heat rising in her cheeks as Shepard spoke. “First it was Garrus because he exudes confidence, his swagger is of both sureness and nervousness; a man to be reckoned with no matter how calming his presence is. Then you moved on to Coats because he is smart, intelligent and stayed alive against the worst odds. Vega would have been a worthy conquer. He’s tough and lives to protect the weak. But none of them wouldn’t have you, why is that?” Chloe brought up her chin which was trembling, trying to quell the heat of tears that threatened to tumble from her large eyes.

“Kaidan wanted me because ‘ee eez tired of living in your shadow and because I am not you, nothing like you, and he loves zat about me. “

Shepard felt that was a slap in the face. Never had she tried to make Kaidan’s career sound any less heroic than hers and she still had a hard time seeing that she was anything more than a soldier who did their job. She squared her shoulders and looked down at the petite doctor before turning and storming out of the room.

 

 

* * *

 

 

She didn’t exactly want to go back to Liara’s room so she turned at the last minute, not paying attention to where she was headed and slammed right into Garrus’s hard body. His hands reached out to steady her and raised a brow plate as her cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, her lips turning compressing in to a thin line.

“What’s up?” She swallowed and looked up at him, his eyes darting over her face in worry and a little bit of the pain melted away. She sucked in a breath and grasped his hands in hers, shaking her head. Immediately he brought her towards him, running his clipped talons through her hair and down her back. “Hey, hey now. It’s okay, I’ve got you,” he whispered against the top of her head, pressing his lips against her hair.

She felt selfish the more he tried to calm her. How could she love him so much but feel so damn hurt and angry over her soon-to-be ex-husband? Her head was a jumbled mess and she wanted to explode. She opened her mouth to try and explain what she was feeling, but her words were cut off.

“I should have known,” Kaidan said incredulously from somewhere behind them and she jerked around, placing herself in front of Garrus when she felt him tense as if getting ready to spar.

Well, nothing had ever been easy for Commander _fucking_ Shepard so why should this be either? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and left Kudos. You guys are awesome! :-) I hope you liked it.


	12. Thinking

Katherine pulled her pillow against her chest, tossing her left leg over it and bending her knee, tucked her foot under the pillow as she curled her fingers into the covers. The room was darkly lit with a soft, blue hue from the light that she had installed so she felt at home.

Home – what was home?

For once, in months, her home was empty. No laughter from the living room. No heavy footed steps on the stairs. No tinkling or flanging voices drifting up from the kitchen. No arguments over Biotiball or cheering when one team scored.

The only things left in her home were a few dishes and her bed which, at the moment, was lying on the floor. A crate of bare minimum essentials was tucked into a corner of the bedroom.

It was hollow, unapologetic and cold, so damn cold. And oh, so much like Kaidan.

Her friends – _family_ – were gone; the warmth, the happiness, had been sucked from her home. Just like how Kaidan had sucked out her soul, crushed it into a fine powder and blew it away on the wind.

Home – is it where the heart is?

Frustrated, she flipped onto her back. “Bastard,” she murmured, rubbing the side of her face. Her eyes flittered up to look at the ceiling, blinking back the hot sensation of the tears that she had grown so accustomed to as of late.

She slammed her fist against the mattress in anger. “Let it go, Katie,” she whispered to herself, swiping quickly at the fiery trails of water on her cheeks.

She rolled back onto her side, curling into a ball, and sighed.

Slowly, her door opened and Garrus looked inside, his mandibles pressing tight against his face in a frown. “Shepard? What’s wrong?”

Funny. She hadn’t even heard him come up the stairs or enter the house. This was why she hated thinking. You get lost, tune out and miss things. Important things. Like the fact that your husband is cheating on you. Or that you’ve been in love with your best friend for years.

Thinking – over thinking – was the absolute bane of her existence.

“I,” she paused, swallowing down the painfully hard lump in her throat, “was just thinking.” She shook her head, breathing in a heavy, shaky breath, “My home is empty.”

His mandible quirked in a quick, small, sad smile. He pushed the door open and leaned against the frame. “You’re moving. Things – homes – always have to be empty to fill up another.” He took a tentative step inside the door then hesitated, flexing his fingers by his side. “Perhaps, it’s not _so_ empty?”

She looked at him, pushing herself up to lean on her elbow and gave him a quiet smile. “I have a few things.” She patted her bed. “It comforts me.”

“It loves you.”

“It keeps me warm when I’m cold.”

“It keeps all your nightmares a secret.”

“It followed me to hell and back.”

“I’d do it again.”

She had no doubts of that, but what he was implying – it was more than she could have ever asked of him – and he was offering it to her on a silver platter with his silent answering to her questions, “ _I am your home. I am where your heart is. Mine is yours, always has been. Always will be. I’m there for you just as you are for me. See that? Those are our hearts; laid out, flat, and begging for attention. Identical. Parallel. You’re mine, always have been, and I’ve always been yours. Don’t you see, Shepard? Take it. I’ll take yours, see? I’ll love it, cherish it and never harm it because you’re the most important thing to me. All I ask is that you take care of mine and if the weight becomes too heavy – a burden – you give it back gently."_

“Garrus,” she whispered.

“Shepard,” he whispered back, his hand coming up, tucking the hair behind her ear and sliding a talon over her cheek. He leaned down, tilting her head up and pressed his lips against hers. A feeling of warmth spread over her when his eyes slid closed.

This – what she felt at that moment – was love.

Kaidan. Moving. Divorce. Home.

For a moment she could stop thinking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I know this has taken forever and I hope it lives up to your expectations. :-) 
> 
> Thank you to EVERYONE who has read, reviewed, and left my Kudos. You guys have been great, supportive and the best of friends especially when I've been in need of it so much lately. 
> 
> You guys are TRULY AWESOME. :-) <3
> 
> \-- DarkAislinn
> 
> P.S. I FINALLY moved. I am now back in Alabama (UGH, but family... they are NEEDED!) and I am - hopefully! - going to be able to write/update more, but being an adult is neither easy nor simple so who knows, really. But, at least I FINALLY MOVED, right?! :-)


	13. Cosmic Love

She opened the door to find Garrus in the kitchen already prepping for dinner and smiled. Despite everything, the divorce, lawyer fees and oh, right, the mandatory six month marriage counseling, she was feeling quite happy after having her doctor’s appointment with Chakwas and the fact that her divorce had been finalized for almost six months.

Of course, the marriage counseling ended up only last five out of the six months when Chloe had announced her pregnancy which, on the whole, Katherine had been relieved to hear since she hadn't even wanted to do the counseling.

After having moved out and sold her previous house, the months had passed by in a happy blur. She and Kaidan were able to remain friends, however strained it might be but at least she didn't have to add him to the list of people she no longer kept in contact with.

But now? Now she could move on and be with Garrus.

It had taken some time to find the perfect place and she realized how freeing it was to be able to find something that was _hers_. Of course, she'd asked Garrus for his opinion since they were in a relationship and the house that they had chosen was a beautiful one.

It was open, airy with more rooms than they needed but they'd need them eventually and today that eventually had become a necessity.

She chewed her lip as she watched him maneuver through the large kitchen with a tempo that meant he was blasting some turian song in his visor. She wasn't sure how to tell him what she'd found out and her joy was suddenly being swallowed up by the erratic beating of her heart.

What if he wasn't as happy as she was? She'd suspected for a long time but today she had confirmation. She hadn't felt this happy in a very long time.

Her soldiers were doing exceptionally well in their N training, she had been successful in choosing what she thought were outstanding Spectre candidates, and she had Garrus all to herself at the end of most days.

She felt her face flush as the night before crept into her mind. Though Kaidan had been a talented lover who was able to satisfy her, Garrus was more detail oriented. He was able to bring her to heights of passion she thought books only lied about.

She pushed those thoughts away, as well as her sudden urge to drag him into the bedroom, and focused on how to tell him her good news.

She'd learned long ago that the best way to deliver any new news was to just get it over with. So she squared her shoulders and took a deep breath before heading into the kitchen.

"Hey you," he rumbled, turning away from the stove and wrapping his arms around her waist. She smiled up at him and tried to calm the nervous butterflies in her stomach. "How was your day?"

"Good." He tilted her head up for a kiss. She sighed into him and gripped his tunic in her fingers. She pulled back after a few heated moments. "I've got, um, some news."

He raised his plated brows at her. "Good news, I hope."

"I think so." She stepped out of his embrace and nervously played with the hem of her jacket. "I saw Chakwas today."

"Oh? Did she figure out what's wrong?"

She released a breathy laugh and ran her fingers through her hair. "Yes and no. Nothing's wrong but she did confirm what I'd already thought."

He fiddled with the controls on the stove. "It's nothing serious is it?"

"Pretty serious, but it's a good kind of serious." She took a deep breath. "I'm pregnant."

He was moving a steaming pot of something but dropped it and gaped at her. He stared at her, the pot completely forgotten. The more he looked at her, the more nervous she got. "Garrus --"

"You're pregnant?" he asked, interrupting her. She gave him a weak nod. "I thought - we took precautions though."

"I know," she said quietly, blinking back the tears. This was not the reaction she was hoping for. "I'm sorry."

Before she had a chance to say anything else, he was scooping her up in his arms and burying his face in her hair. "Why are you sorry? This is the best news you could have ever given me."

She laughed, her grip around his cowl tightening. "Oh, thank God. I was so worried you were upset."

"Never," he breathed, his mouth pressing hotly against hers. He pulled back to look at her and pressed his hand against her stomach. "It's okay though, right? She said everything was okay?" His question made her heart swell and bring tears to her eyes. He remembered just as well as she did the last time she’d gotten pregnant when she was with Kaidan.

"Yes," she choked out happily. "I got to hear the heartbeat and everything."

"Were you able to get a recording?"

"Even better." She fished around in her pocket and retrieved an osd. "Come here. We just plug this into our console and connect it to our omni-tools and we can hear the heartbeat and see the ultrasound.”

Hurriedly, he followed her into their office and sat down happily while she hooked everything up. A sound grew louder until it filled the whole room and she brought up the vid.

"This is the head," she motioned towards the screen, her finger tracing what she was describing. "These are the arms."

He stared at the image of his baby, the sound of his baby's heartbeat reverberating through him but it sounded off. He pointed to something. "Why does it sound funny?"

She looked at him with happy tears in her emerald eyes. "You see that? That is another head and these are another set of arms."

He stared at her as her words sunk in. "Two?"

"Twins. We're having twins, Garrus."

She believed that if he were the crying type he would have been at that moment with the way he was gazing at the vid. He swallowed and wrapped his large hand around her smaller one, urging her to sit down on his lap.

He pressed his face into the crook of her neck and released a deep, choking sigh. “How far along are you?”

“I just moved into the second trimester,” she whispered, her hands stroking his arms. “What’s wrong?”

He lifted his head. “Should we get excited or tell people yet?”

She sighed and gripped his arm. She too had had the same worry when Chakwas confirmed her pregnancy. “Karen said that everything looks good and she’s not worried at all. She said they’re both strong and healthy so, yeah, I think we can get excited. The last time I never got to hear the heartbeat but this time is different.” She pressed her lips against his mouth. “I can’t believe I’m having twins.”

“They run in my family,” he admitted.

“With the crucible I wasn’t sure how it would work or if it was even possible to have multiples with another species but clearly I was wrong.”

“Did you find out what they are?” he asked, looking back at the screen to his babies.

“Too early,” she sighed, resting her head on top of his. “According to Chakwas, the pregnancy will be almost as long as a human pregnancy. I just hope it’s not as long as Liara’s was.”

He tipped his head back and laughed, jostling her on his lap. “Yeah, I don’t think I could feed you fast enough. You’re appetite has always been high, but now it’s going to be even worse.”

“I think we can afford it, Advisor Vakarian.”

He cleared his throat and wrapped his arm around her waist. “So,” he started but stopped, seeming at a loss for what to say or how to voice what he was thinking. “Where does this put our relationship now?” She gazed at him curiously, not really understanding what he was asking. He cleared his throat again. “Are we planning on moving forward?”

The light went off in her head and she tilted her head. “I was hoping you’d ask that.”

His brows rose and his mandibles fluttered out in a smile. “Really?” She nodded with a smile of her own. “I don’t want to rush you into anything you’re not ready for and though I know you were separated from Kaidan for two and half years, your divorce has only been final for six months. Having kids is a big step for us already and I’d understand if you didn’t --”

She halted his words with a kiss and rested her forehead against his. “You big, silly turian,” she whispered as she ran her forehead back and forth on his. “I love you and nothing would make me happier.”

He rumbled out a deep noise and stood, tugging her up. “Want to find out how much hearing you say that means?”

“Ever since I walked in the door,” she said breathlessly. “Did I mention that being pregnant makes me want it even more?”

“That certainly explains a lot,” he murmured into her neck as he made quick work of her shirt, his sharp teeth nipping at the hollow of her neck with a rumbling laugh as she pushed him back down into the chair and shed her clothes faster than he had ever witnessed.

He was certainly going to enjoy the perks of her pregnancy over the next few months indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO sorry for the ridiculously long update, but Katherine was being a butt and not talking while Jack and Aislinn can't SHUT UP! 
> 
> But, I have not forgotten about this or my other stories and I hope that you'll find this chapter enjoyable. I hope to try and update this regularly now. 
> 
> So, I hope you love this and you continue to look forward to more chapters! 
> 
> <3


	14. Back Aboard the Normandy

She stood with a groan and rubbed the dull ache at her lower back that was growing stronger with every passing day. While it was nothing compared to the injuries she'd sustained over the years or even the most recent ones from the war, it was still uncomfortable. Despite that, however, she smiled. Uncomfortable or not, it reminded her that this time, unlike the last, she _was_ going to be a mother.

With that thought in mind she ran her hand over her stomach, smoothing across the slight bulge that seemed to be getting bigger by the hour, though Garrus and Chakwas assured her it was all in her head, and released a sigh of contentment. She pressed against her belly, soft yet firm, and there was a series of small, lazy kicks that replied.

_Just checking_ , she thought, smile still in place and telling her heart to calm down.

She tilted her head from side to side, releasing the pockets of air gathered in her joints and heaved a sigh, once again letting her eyes stray to the mountainous pile of datapads that eagerly awaited her signature or commentary or some other something that needed her attention. She really didn't understand how Jack managed at Grissom, an Alliance school for gifted biotic children that was at one point seized by Cerberus command yet now flourished under Sanders’ guidance once again. Shepard could boast that her N class had well over one hundred and fifty soldiers and her Spectre training class had near one hundred. Clearly the Council and Alliance put too much faith in her, but she also knew that many of her subordinates wouldn't last and as much as she wanted them to succeed, she wasn't going to permit someone to further their training unless she believed them capable of it.

She picked up her now cold mug of coffee and made her way into the kitchen where she poured it into the sink, rinsed it and hung it up in the mug rack beneath the window and glanced outwards at the sky, a brief pang of nostalgia seizing her. She wasn't going to lie: she _missed_ the Normandy.

It had killed her to say her final goodbyes, relinquish command, and turn her back on her. In a way, she felt like she was betraying her. She hadn't let her go without knowing who specifically was going to be its new Commander or Captain and when she learned that none other than James Vega was taking over, she knew the old girl was going to be in capable hands. Well, mostly anyway. She hadn't forgotten that stunt he pulled on Mars, hadn't let him forget it either, and damn near told him that if she so much saw as a scratch next time he docked, she'd kick his ass - pregnant or not. He laughed and said, “Relax, Lola. I've come a long way since then. Joker’s still the pilot and I'm more than certain EDI would rip off my cojones then toss me out the airlock if I did anything to the Normandy.”

Despite the fact that she missed the Normandy, she still felt she'd made the right decision. She didn't want to compromise her pregnancy in anyway shape or form and if that meant taking a new position in the Alliance as the most decorated instructor ever, then so be it. She missed the action and missions, but working with the talented soldiers was just as fulfilling. They listened to her and they strived to go above and beyond, but they still would stop and stare at her when they first realized who their instructor was. That it was _the_ Commander Shepard in all her supposed glory.

No matter what anyone said, she'd never seen herself as more than just a soldier, a marine, a groundworking grunt, but that's not how her soldiers saw her. They saw Commander Shepard, Survivor, War Hero, and Savior of the Galaxy. In a way it helped, but more often than not it was an annoyance. She didn't want them to work hard and succeed for _her_ , she wanted them to do it for _themselves_. There were plenty of times she needed to slap on the old Commander façade and treat them as if they were new recruits because she needed them to understand that N training or Spectre training wasn't going to get any easier and if they succeeded, their missions were going to be just that much harder.

Sure, the threat of the Reapers were gone and every now and then she'd get a report that they'd found another attempt at restarting Cerberus, but there were still other dangers. Raiders and merc bands were more powerful and stronger ever since she'd chosen the fate of the entire galaxy. Not to mention that there were whispers about the Leviathans. Whispers which set her hair standing up and sent shivers down her spine as she remembered with perfect clarity what it had been like to be under their control, even if it was for just a short amount of time.

She wandered back into the office, picked up a datapad and skimmed through it before slapping it down with a roll of her eyes. She again wondered where Jack managed to get all her patience from as she clearly had a fountain of it stashed somewhere. Along with her cookies undoubtedly. She'd have to ask. Maybe it was time she divulged some of the things she'd been through, done and seen. The things the media wanted to keep at bay so they could keep up the charade that she was a hero and not just another marine who had been unlucky enough to stumble across that fateful beacon all those years ago on Eden Prime. Maybe if they knew the whole story, they'd get their shit together.

Deciding that she'd worked long enough, especially on her supposed off day, and judging by the headache that was forming between her eyes, she piled all of the datapads up into a neat stack and shut the light off in the office just as her stomach rumbled loudly and she realized she hadn't eaten anything all morning. Breakfast sure did sound good, she thought.

Being pregnant and a biotic was just a disaster because she was always hungry. She rummaged through the fridge and finally decided on making a nice sausage cheese biscuit with a giant portion of hash browns. Her mother had been queen of hashbrowns and she'd been lucky enough to save her recipe before she died, something she was eternally grateful for.

It didn't take long to whip up and it took even less time to devour it. She had a healthy glass of milk and tidied up before hopping in the shower. She had another appointment with Chakwas for some bloodwork and an ultrasound and Garrus had promised he'd meet her there since he'd been gone little over a week on Palaven for advisory stuff and she missed his presence. She could've gone to Huerta, it was only one relay away, but she'd much rather see the doctor who'd been patching her up and saving her life for years rather than a doctor who tried too hard to impress her because she was Commander Shepard.

She pulled her hair back into a long ponytail, dressed and headed out the door with a few snacks stashed inside her jacket for whenever she got hungry again. Chakwas was still aboard the Normandy and she'd made special arrangements with Vega for these appointments and he hadn't even batted an eye. Despite how much he enjoyed being aboard the Normandy, he missed the ground more than Shepard ever had so he'd been eager to have shore leave, even if it wasn't Earth. Last time she'd spoken to him, he was out in the Skyllian Verge helping the Batarians, but that mission was coming to a close.

She parked her skycar and checked the time. She was early. Figured. She never could be late for anything or right on time. Instead of getting out and heading towards the docking bay to wait for the Normandy, she instead leaned her head back against the seat and closed her eyes, telling herself she'd just rest a moment.

_Knock, knock, knock._ “Shepard?”

She jerked at the sound of her name, her eyes flying open, and on reflex reached for the pistol that wasn't holstered on her hip. She turned her head towards the voice and saw Garrus leaning down and peering through the window of the skycar with an amused expression on his turian face.

“Decided to take a nap?” he laughed when she opened the door and stepped out.

“No,” she lied. “I was, you know, just resting my eyes.”

“Riiiight. Because all humans snore when they rest their eyes,” he countered, his mandibles twitching into a smile.

She playfully slapped his arm and said, “Oh, hush. Being pregnant is very tiring you know. I am growing two somethings inside me. And I wasn't snoring, I was breathing heavy.”

“Please. I spent enough nights playing Skyllian Five and drinking with Jimmy to know what humans sound like when they snore and you were snoring,” he said, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her against him while pressing his mouth against her forehead. “I missed you. And when I didn't see you on the Normandy, I had a sneaking suspicion you'd fallen asleep.”

“I missed you too,” she smiled, planting a kiss on his mandible.

The walk to the docking bay wasn't far and they talked about what he'd been doing on Palaven. It seemed that he was closer to a promotion than she'd thought.

“Adrien is stepping down?”  

“Retiring more like. He's ready to relax and just enjoy life with his grandchildren. He's certainly not getting any younger,” he joked, pressing a large hand against her back to try and urge her to walk forward.

“So where does that put you on the spectrum?” she teased, tilting her head to the side and looking up at him.

He stopped walking, his expression and stance a perfect mirror image from all those years ago aboard the SR-2 when she'd asked him near the same question that it was jarring and she suddenly had a sense of deja-vu. His answer was almost identical as well. “They need someone who is good at politics,” he said with a wry face. “But right now, we have other important matters to attend too.”

He was right, of course, he was hardly ever wrong, but unlike when they were running and gunning for or against the Reapers and they didn't know if they'd survive, she believed now was as good a time as any to broach the subject. Instead of continuing their trek, she placed a hand on his forearm - what she constituted as his forearm in regards to human physiology - and gently squeezed. “Garrus,” she started, easily slipping back into her Commander voice. The voice that meant she wasn't going to let this go or that she wasn't satisfied with the results. “I know you don't want to think about it, but if you already know, then you should tell me.”

He sighed, shoulders heaving, and faced her head on. “Victus has extended an offer to me as the next Primarch of Palaven. Customarily, the position would go to his second in command, but given my history, it seems the Hierarchy is more than happy to accept his recommendation,” he admitted with a tired twinge to his subvocals.

She squeezed his hand and ran her thumb over his mandible with a small smile. “Would it help if I said that I agree with Adrien? Because I do. You were born to be a leader Garrus,” she said, remembering with perfect clarity what the old Shadow Broker's terminal had said: _Former C-Sec officer. Exceptional tactical and team-building skills. Leadership potential overshadowed by Shepard. Unlikely to fully develop under Shepard's command._ Those last few words had haunted her for years and now he had a chance to be the leader he was supposed to have been, _would have been_ , if she hadn't roped him into joining her all those times. She owed him, owed him big time, and this was the perfect opportunity for him. Maybe it was selfish, maybe it wasn't, but she always had been very good at knowing and recognizing the potential of people. “And believe you me, I'm not the only one who thinks you should step into those shoes.”

“I did lead and we both know how that ended,” he commented with a flutter of his mandibles.

Omega. She remembered. She also remembered the sound of the gunship, her screaming at Jacob and Miranda, and how her shaking hands kept slipping around in his blue blood as she tried to keep him talking, keep him alive. She shook her head, bringing herself back to the present.

“That was a long time ago,” she said softly. “Look at what you did during the war. You kept calling yourself a failed C-Sec officer and vigilante, but you ultimately lead the turians to victory. It may have been Adrien’s mouth moving, but you were the one doing the talking. You made sure they were as prepared as they could be and you did a damn good job. I believe in you, Garrus.”

He was silent and she knew he was mulling it over. “I'd have to be on Palaven more often than I already am. I wouldn't be here and I don't want to miss anything. I don't want to be my father where work consumes my life and family is put on hold.”

She smiled and laced their fingers together as best she could given the difference in their anatomy. “Oh, I don't know. I think he did a pretty good job with you.”

“Flatterer,” he laughed, pulling her close and pressing his mouth against her hair. “Maybe that's why he likes you so much. And maybe it's because you saved his only son's life.”

“All joking aside, I think you should seize this opportunity, Garrus. I really do.”

Once again his hand was at her lower back, his large three fingered hand resting in the curve as if it was made for it, and he urged her to keep walking. “How about we see Chakwas and talk about this later, Shepard?”

She leaned into him and sighed with a smile. “Fine. Just know that this conversation is not over, Vakarian.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

They made it a few minutes later than scheduled and when the airlock opened, she was met with Joker who cast a glance at her stomach. “Everything good, Commander?” he asked, running his hand over the rim of his hat.

“I certainly hope so.” After a minute of just standing there, she lifted her arms. “Come and hug me, you big goof.”

He laughed and scooped her up into his arms. It was so different. Before the war, she'd never even thought about hugging him because she was afraid she'd break all of his bones. Now though, he was solid and he squeezed her tightly. “Damn, I've missed you, Shepard. We all have.”

She blinked away the tears that gathered on her lower lashes and gave him a watery smile. “Me too,” she admitted. Damn her hormones. She was getting weepy just because of a hug.

“EDI is down there with Chakwas and Vega. He gave everyone shore leave so you could have some privacy while you're here. No need to have people staring at your weird turian boyfriend.”

“Hey. What?” Garrus laughed. “I've just been standing here.”

Joker laughed and embraced Garrus with a firm pat on the back that spoke volumes about their relationship that had developed over the years despite the “stick up your ass” and “you're a worse pilot now” jokes between them. “Anyway, you should head down before Chakwas sends out a search party for you,” he said with a wave towards the CIC.

It was strange being back aboard the Normandy and not commanding it, she thought as she waited for the elevator. It was quieter, brighter and it seemed smaller than she remembered. To her left there was a marine guarding the entrance to the war room who reflexively saluted her, briskly snapping his heels together, when she glanced in his direction. She nodded at him and he fell into an at ease posture, but she caught the ghost of a smile on his lips when she stepped into the elevator.

“He's going to tell his friends he saw the great Commander Shepard, you know,” Garrus remarked as he touched the holographic interface.

“Maybe,” she replied. “Or maybe he'll talk about the weird turian that was with her.”

Garrus made the equivalent of a “hardee har har” as the elevator descended. The doors opened and they stepped out, his hand a constant comfort on her lower back. Vega was standing in the kitchenette, his back towards them as they approached, but he turned around with a bowl a whisk in hand with a smile on his face.

“Lola! Not-so-Scars-anymore! Man am I glad to see you!” he exclaimed, stepping forward to embrace Shepard, forgetting the items he was holding. Quickly he set them down then at warp speed grabbed her up in the biggest, best bear hug she'd ever had.

“Vega,” she laughed, patting his back. “I can't breathe.”

“Shit, sorry Lola. How're los bebés pequeños doing? Giving their Madre lots of trouble, I hope. With a dad like Scars, I'm sure they're going to be quite the handful,” he teased, gently touching her swelling belly.

Before everything, she'd have broken his hand if he'd so much as touched her - same with Joker -, but now it was like family. She felt ridiculously. He was like an Uncle, the one who shamelessly but harmlessly flirted with everyone. She loved it.

“They're both fine as far as I can tell. Nothing to worry me anyway,” she added nervously with a brief touch to her stomach.

“That's a good omen. They're fighters like their parents.”

“They'll be strong and worthy enough to be embraced by Clan Urdnot for sure,” a deep, rumbling voice she knew all too well said from behind them.

Both she and Garrus turned to see Wrex and Grunt lumbering towards them with smiles on their faces. “What're you doing off your comfy throne?” Garrus asked with a wink.

“Oh, you know. Making sure this kid here gets what he needs,” Wrex nodded at Vega. “Batarians were having some pest problems so he asked us to help. And you can bet your ass we'll all be here when it's time to welcome the Shepard-Vakarian children into the galaxy.”

She let both Krogans embrace her, much more softly than Vega had, and couldn't stop smiling. “I'd love it if everyone was here.”

Grunt laughed. “You say that now, battlemaster. Just remember the party on the Citadel and imagine that times ten. It'll be a celebration the entire galaxy will hear about. Every Krogan clan will have a party in your honor and bless them into Clan Urdnot. You are Wrex’s sister by his words and you cured the genophage. It would be blasphemous for a Krogan to try and deny their right.”

With a curious and surprised look from Shepard, Wrex nodded in agreement. “He's right. Just the same as how your children will be considered family of Tali and be welcomed to Rannoch. Or embraced by the Geth.”

“Wow. That's quite the honor,” was all Garrus could say.

Wrex shrugged as if their revelation was no big deal. “Your kids aren't just any kids, they're the product of heroes and saviors. If something ever happens to either of you, know that they will never be left without a family. Your children will have more family than they know what to do with!”

Vega tapped her shoulder and pointed towards Chakwas who was staring at her with arms crossed and a brow cocked her way. “Ah. Better see the doctor,” Grunt said, poking around whatever it was Vega was making.

She heard Vega tell him he was making eggs and couldn't suppress the laughter that bubbled out of her at both Wrex and Grunt’s excitement. Even Garrus glanced back wistfully. “I'm sure he'll make enough for all of us,” she murmured as they stepped inside the MedBay.

“He better. Or we really will have the competition he wanted,” Garrus laughed.

It really was good to be back aboard the Normandy. Even if it was only for a little while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes. I know. This chapter is 2 years overdue. I'm sorry. I really am. 
> 
> I hope you continue to be supportive and a part of this as Katherine's journey continues. 
> 
> I am hoping to wrap this up in a few more chapters so I do hope you'll continue to follow along for the ride. 
> 
> As always, I hope you enjoyed it! Kudos and comments are always welcome.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're at all interested, you can follow this story's progress on my [tumblr account](http://darkaislinn.tumblr.com/) since I post a lot about my stories and how they're progressing. 
> 
> And if you're curious as to what the character looks like, this is [Katherine](http://darkaislinn.tumblr.com/post/65175259696/katherine-from-love-is-blind-poor-thing-has-a#notes). 
> 
> As always, I hope that you enjoy!


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